A Death in the Family

I am in mouring. I am grieving over the loss (by divorce) of my dearly-loved son-in-law. My daughter, after only two years of marriage, one of which was spent apart from her husband due to a military deployment, decided that she didn't love him, wasn't happy any more, and wanted a divorce. I just don't understand this generation.  She took vows.  They mean nothing.  She isn't the only one I know about who just walked away from a marriage because of "unhappiness".  My daughter's husband didn't beat her, didn't do drugs, wasn't a criminal, and loved her very much.  She had no other reason to divorce him than that she was "unhappy".  He had a good job, but she didn't think he could support her.  She was in the military, he is a civilian, and she resented the fact that she had to resign from Active Duty and go into the  Reserves so that  he could continue to keep his job and pay off his student loans. Apparently that sacrifice was too much for her to make for the sake of her marriage. He is devastated, and so are we in the family from which he is being summarily dismissed. She wrote us all a letter explaining why she was doing this, and letting us all know that she did not want to hear our criticisms, as she felt that her own self-criticism was enough.  She's damaged a good man, who does not understand why this had to happen.  She has said herself that she treated him shamefully while she was coming to this decision, probably in some delusion that maybe he would make the decision to get a divorce first and she would be absolved. She's damaged her parents and siblings, who also can't understand why this has happened. I do not know this woman.  She should have learned the importance of commitment both from direct instruction and from the role models she had growing up. The worst part of this is that I feel guilty, thinking that somehow I should have been better at teaching her about commitment.  This goes against everything I believe in.  I keep apologizing to God for not being able to fix this.  I am miserable, mostly because of what it has done to our son-in-law. My eldest son  called this a death in the family for those who are not the husband or wife, and I think he is right. I know that there are five stages of grieving before the final acceptance.  I am in the devastation stage.  Frankly, I can't see ever accepting this, but maybe with enough time it will happen.

Love and Marriage

Up until a few years ago, it seemed that marriages mostly took place in church, but even those that didn't were still treated as covenants, or promises - vows, if you will - made by two people to love, honor, and stay with each other forever. I had a discussion recently with a young man who told me that, in his view, marriage was a  contract, or agreement, that either party could break at any time and for any reason.  I found that a rather convenient redefining of the marital state, although he hastened to add that he and his wife had already agreed that their contract would, nevertheless, be unbroken. This, however,is his second marriage: his first ended in divorce when his first wife decided that she was not happy and  did  not want to be married, at least not to him. He was devastated, of  course, but related a story to me that I found very interesting: he said that, even before his wife told him she wanted a divorce, he knew they were not happy, but he was willing and able to accept that state in an effort to preserve the marriage: in other words, he was ready to honor his vows, or his contract if  you prefer; it was his wife who  was not willing to work on the marriage.  Although he eventually met and married a wonderful woman and is a very happy husband and father, he says that his one regret is that he still doesn't know the real reason why his first wife divorced him. I have heard other young men express similar thoughts, and I have come to observe that many men do not think the same way that women do about marriage; to them, it seems, just being unhappy does not justify breaking up a marriage.  Women, on the other hand, expect to be happy, and often will not work on something  that becomes less  than perfect.  People have always gotten divorced, but the reasons used to be more grave, like one of the partners being a drug addict, or violent, or a spendthrift.  Sometimes I think that divorce has gotten too easy and too accepted.  There is something to be said for working through a problem, and no marriage is always happy, but many women simply don't understand that, "This, too, shall pass".  Because of this, they miss out on the feelings of success and strength of character that surviving or overcoming adversity brings. So sad.